Bugged

Bugged

By Bert Stratton

Why do nursing-home administrators request 100-percent peppy music from performers? Some residents want to hear contemplative tunes.

Why do eyeglass-frame adjusters have so much power over us? Did they all get PhDs? From where? I.U.?

How come newspaper columnists don’t write about pet peeves anymore? That’s annoying.

My wife took the electric toothbrush to Columbus, Ohio, on a business trip. The electric toothbrush — and the seltzer machine and Bose radio — are permanent attachments to the dwelling, Alice. (She didn’t take the seltzer machine and Bose, but she might the next time.)

Why does Zagara’s grocery in Cleveland Heights sell only 12-packs of shabbat candles and not the 72-candle jumbo box? Jewish Lites, Zagara’s.

What about those phone solicitors from yours kids’ colleges who ask for money. What are you supposed to say? “Here’s another $50. No problem.”

Why do “highly sensitive” people insist on telling you what bothers them? That’s irritating.

When your computer crashes, why do you feel like your right hand fell off? Why can’t you feel like a mosquito bit your ankle.

Who is nostalgic for mimeo machines? Somebody should be.

Why do “sophisticated” Clevelanders brag about not reading the Plain Dealer? They say, “I’ve lived in Cleveland for 20 years and never subscribed to the PD. I read the New York Times. ” Go home.

People who grow vegetables always serve arugula. Why don’t they grow dates or figs?

Why do concertgoers at the Cleveland Orchestra applaud maniacally after every single piece? The listeners nap for 54 minutes (Mahler Symphony #1), then give the conductor three curtain calls. Applaud this!

If you want to talk about cars, first ask: “Do you want to talk about cars with me?” Same goes for sports, TV shows and politics.

Which is preferable: a) “He passed away.” or b) “He passed.” Answer: “He passed away.” Best answer: c) “He died.”

Who was the curmudgeon — Harvey Pekar or Andy Rooney? Coin toss.

Don’t complain about lousy cell phone service and long lines at the post office. That’s modern life. You wouldn’t get upset by a house sign that said THE SMITH’S, would you?

[Illustration by Ralph Solonitz.]

Yiddishe Cup’s bandleader, Bert Stratton, is Klezmer Guy. He knows about the band biz and — check this out — the real estate biz too. So maybe he’s really Klez Landlord. You may not care about the real estate biz. Hey, you may not care about the band biz. His blog Klezmer Guy (http://YiddisheCup.com/blog) has a gamy twist. It features tenants with snakes and skunks, and musicians with smoked fish in their pockets. Klezmer Guy was a reporter for Sun Newspapers. He has written for Rolling Stone, the Cleveland Plain Dealer and the New York Times. He won two Hopwood Awards.

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