By Douglas O’Bryon
For all of the doomsday predictions surrounding the Mayan prophesy that 2012 would culminate in the climactic end of civilization, this year turned out to be, well, BORING! I mean, if the most noteworthy event of the year was a YouTube video of a portly, middle-aged South Korean dancing “Gangnam Style” (whom The Vancouver Observer observed, “Didn’t fit the standard K-pop idol image of being young, good-looking, or able to carry a melodramatic note”) …perhaps the Apocalypse IS upon us, the prophecy has been fulfilled, and “PSY” was, in fact, the “cataclysm of destruction” the ancients warned us about.
Tragically, the entire year shared that same feeling as the Sunday after Y2K, when you were expecting something really exciting to happen, but it never did, as each day blurred into the next, in a bland bouillabaisse of boredom, with no dramatic highs or lows, just Fifty Shades of Grey. From the Hunger Games to the Olympic Games, this overhyped Groundhog Day retread of a year continued to disappoint on so many levels (I’m talking about YOU “Lin-Sanity.”)
Originality was OUT this year, as the Giants won both the Super Bowl AND the World Series, the NBA Finals (pitting the Thunder against the Heat) felt more like a meteorological disturbance than a sporting event, and even the nasty weather that destroyed 14 miles of NY beaches wasn’t truly a hurricane….it was downgraded to a “super-storm”…named “Sandy” …really? In fact, things got so boring here on Earth, that after the Space Shuttle Endeavored to retire, NASA sent a probe to Mars just out of Curiosity, and some guy in a balloon decided to test the debt ceiling by jumping 128,000 feet from outer space…narrowly missing the fiscal cliff.
Speaking of falling, in other news this year, Facebook lost face after their stock price dropped 50% within months of their IPO (as they were quickly unfriended by the investment community), Hostess decided to have one final bake sale, and incoming CEO Ron Johnson figured out how to turn a 99-year-old retail giant into a JC-penny stock.
In a year in which Kristen Stewart got more press than Tony Stewart, the electrifying Mitt Romney was the Republican’s BEST option, Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair was headline news, and the reality that Honey Boo Boo was even ON TV, just goes to show America that, “(Whitney) Houston, we have a problem!” Wrapping up the cultural scene in 2012 was the sad departure of The Monkees’ Davy Jones – who took one Last Train to Clarksville (do we finally get to see what’s in his locker?), Tour de France officials exposed what made Lance Armstrong’s legs strong (what a dope!), Mohamed Morsi’s deNile of citizen voting rights had constituents feeling like Egypt them (prompting crowds to spontaneously engage in what APPEARS to be the Middle East’s national pastime –synchronized rioting), and movie makers and car manufacturers ran out of original ideas, so they both decided to resurrect Lincoln.
My daughter turned 13 this year, and like every other 8th grade girl, can’t wait to get to high school. 2012 marks the 5th year she has been playing the cello, but you wouldn’t know if from the shrieking auditory assault masquerading as a Winter Concert I was recently forced to attend, and featuring what I BELIEVE to be classic seasonal favorites, but which sounded more like retching variations including “Slay Ride,” “Oh, Tannenbomb,” “The Loud Drummer Boy,” “Violent Night,” “Carol of the Hells,” “Do You Hear What I Hear (I Hope Not),” “Adusty Fiddles,” “I Wonder as I Wander (Out of the Auditorium and Into the Parking Lot),” and “Let it End, Let it End, Let it End.”
Upon arriving at the ripe old middle-age of 44 this year, I was struck by a sudden, fleeting moment of clarity – an epiphany regarding what Disney might call the “Circle of Life” – which offers an explanation of why our world is so messed up. Think about it. When you’re a child, and you misbehave at school, you get sent to the Office. It’s the worst thing that can happen, and the scariest place you can go.
Then, as you matriculate through life (completing 12 years of grade school, 4 years of college, and 2 years of grad school), your REWARD for decades of studying, scholarship, and sacrifice is that you are hired for a job…where you are expected – every day – to report to The Office. Once AT the Office, you sit in Office Furniture, purchase Office Supplies from Office Depot, throw Office Parties, engage in Office Politics, and all enabled by a little Microsoft program called – you guessed it – Office.
If you’re lucky, you get to work from a Home Office, but if you’re unlucky, you get summoned to the Corner Office and laid off, before heading over to the Unemployment Office, and then over to the Post Office to mail your resumes. The stress eventually lands you in the Doctor’s Office, but when the medication he prescribes makes you violent, you get in a fight, landing you in the Dentist’s Office, followed by 3 nights in the Office of Corrections – where you kill time by watching reruns of – what else – The Office. Ironically, when you finally die, you go from Office to On-Ice. Okay, on second thought, maybe this wasn’t some brilliant epiphany after all (maybe just “epifunny”).
In closing, I’ve decided to send out our Epistle a little early this year – just in case the Mayans were right (remember, you can’t spell Apocalypse without PSY)… But in case they’re wrong, and civilization goes on, I believe 2013 could be great. I mean, think of how much more America could accomplish when we’re not being harassed every 4 minutes from election pollsters calling for our opinion on what color we should paint the debt ceiling, or those incessant interruptions from door-to-door campaigners trying to “get out the vote.”
I firmly believe that if we, as a nation, paid as much attention to elected officials DOING their job as we did in them GETTING a job, we could finally end the gridlock and get our country back on the road to recovery. If not, our great civilization is destined to end up just like the Mayans…in ruins.
Merry Cliffmas and Happy New Year
[Photo: Mayan Temple of the Sun via Ricraider]
Douglas O’Bryon’s sanguine Soundbite Laureate moniker paints a poetic self-portrait of this adult prodigy, who enjoys nothing more than pitting man versus metaphor in a continuing fight for justice from his vantage point high above Strongsville’s suburban Serengeti.Author and artist, bodybuilder and businessman, cereal entrepreneur and everyman, soccer Dad and MBA grad, he is a realist, idealist, and surrealist, who considers his job done when he has blended high tech with high touch into an easy to swallow Digital Casserole, which is, ironically, also the name of his blog. He is currently working on his new novel, a sequel to The Titanic.