Spring Break Edition: Time to Update “Washboard” Abs?
By Douglas O’Bryon
The arrival of unseasonably high temperatures MONTHS ahead of schedule this year ambushed our phlegmatic hiber-Nation, awakening Americans from their long Winter’s nap, and sending them scurrying to attics and basements in search of bags and boxes containing warm weather clothes (which it seems we JUST put away because, well, we DID!). Unfortunately, the suddenness of this wardrobe transition – along with the element of surprise – have combined to accelerate and exaggerate the grim realization of just how much weight we’ve gained cocooning in those cold-weather months sandwiched between Tebow-Mania and Lin-Sanity.
For most, the moment of truth inevitably arrives as we try on that first pair of summer shorts… and the waistband SNAPS (which is where the phrase “Spring Break” originally came from). Regardless of the cause (see my white paper “Is Social Media Making You Fat?”), and in spite of efforts to mask the problem with Vanity Sizing (calling a Size 12 a Size 8 – yay!), the fact remains that our nation continues to play Hunger Games – with the Belt Bubble ready to burst – as 2 out of 3 adults (and 1 out of 3 kids) are either overweight or obese.
With health and physical conditioning hastily thrust to the forefront, I thought NOW would be the perfect time to update perhaps the most iconic fitness metaphor of all time: “Washboard Abs.” From P-90X to CrossFit, it’s hard to find an exercise program that doesn’t claim you’ll acquire defined, shredded and ripped Washboard Abs. But what, pray tell, ARE Washboard Abs? Or better yet, what’s a WASHBOARD? For those of us born in any generation AFTER the “Greatest” (as defined by Tom Brokaw), the idea of a washboard is getting fainter and foggier with each passing year. Therefore, as an aspirational anthropologist, pop-culture provocateur, and world’s first Soundbite Laureate, I have decided to update this dying colloquialism, and replace it with a contemporary touchstone worthy of the physical challenge, dogged determination, and dedicated discipline this whittled waist management requires.
Enclosed are list of suggested substitutions for Washboard Abs, and I invite you to choose your favorite and vote in our survey – or add your own. The results will be posted periodically as polling statistics warrant.
Circuit Board Abs
Dart Board Abs
Election Board Abs
Surf Board Abs
Particle Board Abs
Emery Board Abs
Shuffle-Board Abs
Black Board Abs (What’s a Black Board?)
White Board Abs (Better?)
Smart Board Abs (Best!)
I’m Bored Abs
Spring Board Abs
Bulletin Board Abs
Skate Board Abs
Ouija Board Abs
School Board Abs
Back-Board Abs
Snow Board Abs
Ironing Board Abs
Clip-Board Abs
Memory Board Abs
Sliding-Board Abs
Job Board Abs
Checker Board Abs
Sandwich Board Abs
Chalk Board Abs
Over-Board Abs
Cork Board Abs
Medical Board Abs
Bill-Board Abs
Cutting Board Abs
Key-Board Abs
Click HERE to vote, and hopefully one of these will work for you. If not, it’s back to the Drawing Board… Abs.
Douglas O’Bryon, CEO & Co-Founder
http://GreatChristianDeals.com
“Where Values Meet Values”
Douglas O’Bryon’s sanguine Soundbite Laureate moniker paints a poetic self-portrait of this adult prodigy, who enjoys nothing more than pitting man versus metaphor in a continuing fight for justice from his vantage point high above Strongsville’s suburban Serengeti.Author and artist, bodybuilder and businessman, cereal entrepreneur and everyman, soccer Dad and MBA grad, he is a realist, idealist, and surrealist, who considers his job done when he has blended high tech with high touch into an easy to swallow Digital Casserole, which is, ironically, also the name of his blog. He is currently working his new novel, a sequel to The Titanic.