So, you probably thought the opioid, meth and crack addiction epidemics were bad, but you ain’t seen shit yet. The tRump-caused epidemic that is about to grip parts of the nation will eventually be much more devastating, but hopefully not as long-lasting. When he’s booted out of office, the crisis will thankfully end.
While some people will do the world a favor by overdosing and dying within a short period of time after ingesting too much Clorox, others will build up a bleach tolerance — an immunity if you will — and just become hopelessly strung-out addicts. It’s not a pretty sight, but it does make for great satire. Now, before any of you get your panties all in a bunch please remember the operative word here is “SATIRE.”
Just like tRump was being sarcastic at his press briefing, remember? No one got upset when he made a funny.
Nonetheless, personally, I’ve seen enough ’Rox addicts over the years, particularity in the South, to know how bad this is going to get. When addicts give their drug-of-choice a one syllable pet name like “Rox” simply because mouthing polysyllabic words is just too difficult, you kinda know where this is headed. And just because you haven’t crossed paths with any of these red hat-wearing fiends doesn’t mean they don’t exist, it only means you are not looking in the right places. Try the parking lot outside a tRump rally.
They are indeed pitiful sights: Prematurely aged way beyond their years; wrinkled, and jaundiced yellow skin and eyes; the teeth they have left are a sparkling bleach white; hair falling out in clumps; breath so bad it can remove paint off houses and kill noxious weeds from a yard away; memories so shot-to-hell they don’t know what year it is, let alone the month or date; and reportedly their peckers are so shriveled up they have to tie a sting to it to keep from dribbling urine all over their shoes when they try to piss (which is often) while their nuts allegedly look like two shriveled up raisins that have been in the sun too long. And the long-term effect of ’Rox addiction is even more pronounced and devastating on females and juveniles.
Once addiction becomes widespread and the inevitable shortage of ’Rox causes the price of a gallon of the demonic liquid to skyrocket — damn, I knew I should have invested early on like some of our senators always do —there’s going to be hell to ’Rox addicts will be stealing their family’s big screen TVs (and anything else of value that isn’t nailed down) to trade with their suppliers for just one more gulp. And of course all of the dealers will be well-connected Republicans who grow rich (nay, richer) off the misery of others. Come on, who else did you think would profit from it?
The poor addicted souls will go so far as to slap their mommas — indeed; they will jump on Jesus —to get the five dollars needed for just one more six-ounce glass of ’Rox … which they, of course, will promise is going to be their very last. They’ll swear they’re going to check into a detox facility the first thing in the morning, as they desperately lick the last little drops of yummy liquid out of the glass. But morning, of course, never — and if it did, since they encouraged destroying Obamacare, they wouldn’t be covered for treatment.
Those foolish and soft-hearted enough to take a ’Rox fiend into their homes in hopes of helping them overcome their problem had better hide not only the bleach bottle, but the Tide pods too since those are these sick devils’ second choice of sustenance — followed by PineSol and Downey Fabric Softener in that order.
Before long Mafia gangs will move in and take over the ’Rox supply chain, threatening the CEOs of the bleach companies, forcing them to sell exclusively to the gangsters or face waking up with a horse’s head in their bed. Naturally the feds will soon outlaw the manufacture, importation or possession of all forms of bleach, which will just cause the price to go higher and prisons to be over-capacity — not to mention all of the dingy T-shirts people will be forced to wear.
The black market that will be created will cause some folks to try to make a suddedaneum (look it up!) product in their bathtubs, no doubt leading to the poisoning deaths of hundreds of thousands — if not millions — of Americans. But at least they’ll die with their colons as clean as a hound’s tooth and they will all be faux-Republicans.
Cities in parts of the country where tRump has the most support and influence will begin to look like cemeteries, houses will start looking like tombstones (OK, I purloined that bit from another writer). The drug-addled, vacant-eyed, stringy-haired, unwashed skeletons will be roaming the dystopian streets of these towns — think Michael Jackson and the cast of “Thriller” — and the former homecoming queen of ’Ol Miss 2010 will offer to suck on anyone’s weenie (or do whatever it takes) to get the five dollars she needs to buy herself another glass of ’Rox, and then wonder, as she’s draining the glass, “Gee, why don’t they don’t make this stuff in a pina colada flavor, I bet they would sell a lot more of it.”
I know, I know, it’s not supposed to be nice to poke fun at the addicted and afflicted. But in my case that’s a lie; for me it’s great fun because all of these sleazebags are former hypocritical, evangelical, right-wing Trumpists.
