By Larry Durstin
I was all for the absurdly conceived, ridiculously titled and altogether phony War on Christmas long before it became fashionable. For example, I’ve always thought it was kind of stupid to say “Merry Christmas” anytime before, say, Christmas Day itself, or possibly three or four (at the most) days prior to the date contrived by Christians in response to long-standing pagan Winter Solstice rituals. I mean, no one says “Happy Thanksgiving” on November 8.
My feelings don’t have anything to do with the baby Jesus or what his birth and life represent in terms of hope and spiritual renewal – two things which I dig the most to say the least. But for all of my life, save for maybe the first 12 years, I have wished Christmas would be just another day and have gladly worked on that day each and every year when it was at all possible. Forget double-time on holidays, I’d gladly settle for minimum wage.
I’m not Scrooge or anything like that. I participate in the gift giving and don’t spew negativity at anyone who joyfully celebrates the day. God bless them all. But the fact that, until fairly recently, it used to be that almost everything was shut down — tomb-like — on December 25 always kind of gave me the creeps.
It was eerie, discomforting and melancholy beyond expression. But now that it is, to a degree, treated like most other days of the year – with a number of retail stores, restaurants, bars, gas stations, corner carryouts and theaters open and buzzing with activity – I have been provided a source of constant comfort for which I am humbly grateful.
So, in the anti-spirit of the season, here are some random thoughts on five who deserve coal in their stocking on this most emotionally potent of all holidays.
The Plain Dealer: Oh how the not-so-mighty have fallen. Leafing through the truncated and typo-riddled ragsheet that the paper has become, one is overwhelmed by its insipidness. Hysterically voluminous Browns and Ohio State coverage infests the sports section; shameless apologist Ted Diadiun issues unconvincing rationalizations for one amateurish content blunder after another; and the cloyingly devout Kevin O’Brien holds his breath until he turns purple hoping for Benghazi and Obamacare to scuttle the President and make the country safe for a theocracy.
Chris Perez: The porcine reliever was given the richly deserved bum’s rush by the Indians after a season in which he basically chickened out down the stretch, telling manager Terry Francona not to use him. The classless Perez berated Tribe fans for booing his lardy behind, bullied his way through an ugly shouting match with a fan in Kansas City and kicked former manager Manny Acta in the teeth the day after he was fired. The endearing fact that he was caught with mail-order pot addressed to his dog is not enough to save him from a hunk of black fossil fuel in his stocking.
Ed FitzGerald: The dapper and eternally youthful county executive has tried to parlay his FBI background, squeaky good looks and Lakewood mayoralty into a legitimate run at the Ohio Governor’s mansion. Unfortunately, the term “Amateur Hour” provides the most apt moniker for his campaign. Stiffed by the local black political establishment, he panicked by jumping the gun and trotting out a debt-ridden African American from Cincinnati as his choice for lieutenant governor. It’s true that racial politics is tricky for all concerned and, admittedly, few living are whiter than Fitz but, c’mon man, this is not exactly rocket science.
Bill Applegate: Is there a more dreadful phrase in local television than “Next up, an editorial from Bill Applegate”? The Action News major domo – whose ghastly coconut belongs in a Futurama cartoon jar next to the one containing the head of Richard Nixon – has built a dubious reputation as a guy who comes in, operates his “newscasts” on the sleaziest, lowest common denominator level, thereby propping up his station’s ratings at the expense of, not just credible journalism, but simple human decency. By convincing his red-hot news momma Sharon Reed to shed her clothes at a downtown “nude art” event, Applegate jumped the local TV news shark and earned, not only a lump of coal, but a permanent place in the Broadcast Hall of Slime.
SportsTalk Radio: Anyone who listens to the vast wasteland that is Cleveland sports talk radio should be acutely aware that this is not the path to enlightenment. And since these stations are staffing themselves more and more with bargain basement yakkers and unpaid interns, the quality – impossible as it seems – has dipped further below sea level. If anyone doubts that mostly mindless gibberish is at the heart of local sports talk, I dare you to listen to the scrambled stylings of Munch Bishop for an hour or so and then get back to me.
Have a Cool Yule, everybody.
[Photo via Keith Allison (Flickr)]
Larry Durstin is an independent journalist who has covered politics and sports for a variety of publications and websites over the past 20 years. He was the founding editor of the Cleveland Tab and an associate editor at the Cleveland Free Times. Durstin has won 12 Ohio Excellence in Journalism awards, including six first places in six different writing categories. LarryDurstinATyahoo.com
One Response to “DURSTIN: Some Yuletide Coal From a War on Christmas Veteran”
Dave Hopkins
I despise what “local” news and talk radio has become. More and more, it’s a PR arm for the failed, local entrant to the NFL… and a horrible one, at that. I’m not a proponent of drug use. But, it seems that it would be helpful to partake a bit in relation to sitting through any portion of a local “newscast”. Oh, for the days of Doug and Mona!