I’ve finally come up with the idea that will make me, well, if not quite rich, then at least comfortably wealthy. Here’s the deal: I’m going to rent a hall and then invite people to come, give them a microphone, and let them bitch to their heart’s content, bitch their little asses off about whatever they want, whatever is on their febrile (and feeble) little minds.
Conspiracy theorists of every ilk and stripe: from people who believe the CIA use black helicopters to spy on them; to folks that claim vaccinations cause autism in children; to those who believe violent video games are turning our kids into killers … all will be welcome — for a price.
Go ahead and laugh, but I’ve been to too many community meetings where some idiot(s) hijacks the microphone and goes off on a wild-assed tangent, changing the subject to talk about their pet peeve to a captive audience. No doubt you’ve been present at meetings when this has occurred also.
Here’s the plan: After the first couple of free bitch sessions, after they get hooked (similar to how drug dealers supposedly give kids free heroin to get them hooked, which is total bullshit), I’ll then start charging these kooks $3 a minute to bitch about wherever they want. That’s $180 an hour, times three hours, times four evenings per week, you do the math. That’s over two grand a week. Cha-Ching!
I know what you’re saying, that people won’t come, but I assure you they will. The idea is based on the premise that people are just dying to be heard; they want an audience. I know this because I host a call-in radio show on Sunday nights and I get all kinds of kooks and crazies calling in. And here’s the kicker — they don’t know they’re crazy. They really think they are making sense, and that the world needs to hear what they have to say. Amazing.
Another reason my idea will work is that people in the audience will be forced to sit and listen to these other folks simply because they are waiting for their turn at the microphone. It’s perfect; they’ll have other crazy people listening to them. What could be better?
The sad fact is we have so many seemingly intractable problems in our communities — gun violence, drug overdoses, dirt bike riders — you name it, and no one can seemingly come up with solutions to these societal problems. But give these folks a microphone and I guarantee you that they all will have solutions in a New York minute — or 15 minutes. Of course they’ll have wacky solutions to be sure, but as long as they are willing to pay $45 for the 15 minutes on the microphone (hey, it’s cheaper than a couple of hundred dollars an hour on a psychiatrist’s couch) spilling their guts on the issue of their choice, what do I care about how simple-minded their solutions are? I’ll be taking cash and credit cards.
But the upside (other than me making money off of it) is that if these crazy folks have somewhere to go to be heard, maybe they won’t crash community meetings and the rest of us can get something accomplished.
And no, if violent video games turn children into killers, why aren’t kids in Japan (where they spend more hours playing such games than anywhere else on the planet) killing each other? The teen murder rate in that country is close to zero. Explain that, you wackos.
Now, before anyone gets their panties all in a bunch, this is a humor piece.
From CoolCleveland correspondent Mansfield B. Frazier mansfieldfATgmail.com. Frazier’s From Behind The Wall: Commentary on Crime, Punishment, Race and the Underclass by a Prison Inmate is available in hardback. Snag your copy and have it signed by the author at http://NeighborhoodSolutionsInc.