After the vote totals in the recent Alabama senate race showed that a heavy turnout by black voters all across the state put Democrat Doug Jones over the top, Donald Trump immediately convened his “black brain trust” (which actually consists of only two dudes, HUD Secretary Ben Carson, and Cleveland preacher/pimp Darrell Scott) and tasked them with coming up with a winning strategy for black voter engagement in 2018.
“Black folks are very forgiving and have short memories, Mr. President,” said Scott. “They’ll get over any slight or negative thing you’ve said or done if you throw them a bone or two.”
Getting up from his desk, Trump walks over to the couch, and while rubbing Scott’s head (as if to conjure up good luck), asked, “What kind of bones are you talking about, my boy?”
“Rib bones, Mr. President. You know how my people just love ’em some ribs. In fact, it was proven that Adam — that dude in the bible — was a white man. You know how they proved it Mr. President?”
Being a lover and consumer of fake, outlandish news that he is, Trump said, “OK, I’ll bite, how did they prove that Adam was a white man?”
Grinning like a newborn fool Scott, slapping his knee, said, “You ever try taking a rib from a black man?”
Ben Carson laughed so long and hard he almost pissed his pants. After the hoots and howls died down Carson said, “You know, food just might be the way to win black people over. You could do something like hosting ‘Fried Chicken Fridays’ where once a week you invite the black members of Congress over … you know, have some potato salad, collard greens … do it up real nice.”
Scott chimed in, “Even those professional athletes that turned down your invitations to the White House in the past will show up if you got some deep-fried chicken on the menu. I know them dudes.”
With a faraway look in his eyes Trump said, “I really miss Omarosa at times like this, she was so damn good at coming up with schemes to put something over on her own people just to win their votes. And I really think blacks in the South, now that they realize how much power they have, are going to be a real problem for us in the midterms if they turn out like they did for Jones.”
Reaching for the phone Trump says, “I’m going to call her and see if she’s still mad at me … I might even offer to bring her back. (He dials the phone). Omarosa, sweetheart, how you doing? (Pause) Good, look I need your help on something, and if this goes well I’ll be able to bring you back to the White House. (Pause) What food can I use to attract southern black voters to the White House, I mean besides fried chicken?” (Pause) Got it.” He hangs up the phone.
“What’s a chittlin’ strut?” Trump asks.
Laughing, Scott replies, “It’s a southern food festival, sort of like a chili cook off, except the food is hog intestines, and there’s usually some kind of parade too, that’s the struttin’ part.”
“People actually eat hog intestines?” Trump asks.
Carson responds, “It’s an acquired taste, and it’s considered a delicacy by some.”
“Whatever,” replied Trump. “But this way I could bring Omarosa back to the White House and Chief of Staff Kelly won’t be able to say a damn thing about it since he doesn’t know how to put on a ‘chittlin’ strut’, now does he? Hell, we’ll have black folks struttin’ all through the Rose Garden with plates of hog intestines in their hands, if that’s what it takes to win this fall!”
From CoolCleveland correspondent Mansfield B. Frazier mansfieldfATgmail.com. Frazier’s From Behind The Wall: Commentary on Crime, Punishment, Race and the Underclass by a Prison Inmate is available in hardback. Snag your copy and have it signed by the author at http://NeighborhoodSolutionsInc.com